Sunday, November 6, 2011

I thought I liked Arizona...but I was just fooling myself

First off, sorry that I haven't posted in a while...I kept saying I am going to post then I put it off and forgot about it. Its just laziness I know..Im working on it.

Now back to the title. Ever since we moved to Arizona I have just been telling myself over and over and over I like it here. However I am lying to myself. I dont like it here. I miss my family back in Illinois. I miss my friends back in Colorado, I miss my life in both Illinois and Colorado. In Arizona I go to work come home sit on my computer go to bed get up and do the same thing again. Its not like I haven't tried...because I have. I have made friends with some of the people I work with, but they have families and kids and their own lives. I have tried to get involved in another animal shelter, but it just wasnt the same. I miss the family feel of the RAS. I miss walking into the shelter and feeling like I am home. I didnt' get paid money for my work there, but I learned more life lessons there than I have ever learned at school. And to me that is well worth the work I put in. I miss the responsibility of being depended on at the shelter. I talked to one of the girls who work there today, and she told me how much they miss me and they haven't found anyone to cover the shifts that I worked and do the things I took on. When she said good bye and that she loved me, I cried.

When I first moved out, I didn't think I would miss my brothers and sisters very much. Besides from my brother, we weren't that close and frankly they were pains in my butts. But then I will spend time with them on the phone and they will tell me something that is going on in their lives and it makes me said that I can't be there to see it, to experience it with them. I have not been able to meet my baby sisters first boyfriend, I haven't been able to go to one of her tennis matches, to see her sing in choir, or just have a girl night with her. My brother called today and he had a very tramautizing (spelling) experience this weekend, and I couldn't be there to hug him, to tell him it is OK..that it is NOT his fault. He told me he called to talk to me about it because he knew he could trust me, and that I would be able to make him feel ok...BOY did that tug at my heart strings.

My best friend is going through a rough patch in her life, and I would pay money to just be able to be with her. To just keep her company, sit around and talk, to make her laugh, to let her know its going to be okay, and to tell her Im with her.

The worst thing about Arizona, is nothing in Arizona has helped my marriage. My husband is miserable, which makes me miserable. He hates his job, we barely make enough money to survive, and because of this he is always depressed or angry. Sometimes he is hard to live with, and i feel like the more I try to help him...the angry he seems. He doesnt want my advice on how to do things in the classroom or how to deal with certain parents. I mean sure I didn't go through all the classes, but parents are something I know how to deal with pretty well. I used to grade papers for him every weekend, but that didn't seem to help. He still was grouchy, he still procrastinated everything till the last minute on Sunday, and he didn't seem to appreciate it much. Now I just kind of hold back and only help when he asks...I don't want to step on his feet.

Sometimes I feel like I am holding him back. If he hadnt gotten married he would be off exploring the world like he always wanted instead of being strapped down, in debt and working a job he hates. Maybe he would be happier without me...who knows.

 Time for me to call it a night as I know have tears streaming down my cheeks, and I am trying to keep it quite so he doesn't have to see them...good night all

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Decided to try this out....bare with me

I never in my life thought about blogging and having other people read what I am writing, however my best friend in the whole world swears that it helps and she has had positive results so here I am trying it out.

I was diagnosed bi-polar at age 19. Five almost six years later, I am still struggling with myself and finding the balance I need to lead a happy life. Before I was diagnosed I was being treated for severe depression and anxiety. I am being treated currently for all three. I take a mood stabilizer for the bipolar, an antidepressant for the depression, and two different meds for the anxiety. With all of that I am still not  100% that it works all the time. The side effects of taking these 4 different drugs are disgusting. I can't loose weight (although I have at least 70 pounds to lose) My hair falls out, the enamel on my teeth is disappearing, my blood sugar is constantly low to almost non existent, I am never actually happy, I never want to be um...intimate with my husband, my nose works on over drive to the point where I gag all the time because things smell 10x worse for me then they should, I have constant headaches, and I crave carbs like no ones business. Those are just what is sticking out to me at the moment.

I suppose you have to take the good with the bad, I mean I am not hurting myself anymore, I can get myself out of bed, dressed, and work without having to hard of a time. But so does that mean I will never be able to feel happy? Never feel fulfilled? I always feel like something is missing and I can never pin point it down. Ive learned to live with the anxiety....butterflies in the tummy, sweats, nail chewing, even panic attacks are something I can manage. They aren't as scary to me as they once were, although still unpleasant. But depression? UGH. I will NEVER learn to "live with it" I have been clinically depressed since I was 16. And although the medication helps, it never gets better. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed, some days I feel like Im not sure if life is even worth living (I am not suicidal I promise) some days I feel like if something doesnt change Ill never be okay again...and then I never have the energy to change anything. Manic episodes are scary too. I can go up to 4 days with no sleep. I talk real fast, dont feel the need to eat, and normally end up doing something stupid. While the mood stabilizers stop these manic attacks from happening frequently, they still sneak in every once in a while. Its almost like I am no in control of my brain.

I am not sure what I expect to get out of writing all this down...although I guess it does feel pretty good to have said it...Perhaps ill give it another go tomorrow.