Sunday, October 30, 2011

Decided to try this out....bare with me

I never in my life thought about blogging and having other people read what I am writing, however my best friend in the whole world swears that it helps and she has had positive results so here I am trying it out.

I was diagnosed bi-polar at age 19. Five almost six years later, I am still struggling with myself and finding the balance I need to lead a happy life. Before I was diagnosed I was being treated for severe depression and anxiety. I am being treated currently for all three. I take a mood stabilizer for the bipolar, an antidepressant for the depression, and two different meds for the anxiety. With all of that I am still not  100% that it works all the time. The side effects of taking these 4 different drugs are disgusting. I can't loose weight (although I have at least 70 pounds to lose) My hair falls out, the enamel on my teeth is disappearing, my blood sugar is constantly low to almost non existent, I am never actually happy, I never want to be um...intimate with my husband, my nose works on over drive to the point where I gag all the time because things smell 10x worse for me then they should, I have constant headaches, and I crave carbs like no ones business. Those are just what is sticking out to me at the moment.

I suppose you have to take the good with the bad, I mean I am not hurting myself anymore, I can get myself out of bed, dressed, and work without having to hard of a time. But so does that mean I will never be able to feel happy? Never feel fulfilled? I always feel like something is missing and I can never pin point it down. Ive learned to live with the anxiety....butterflies in the tummy, sweats, nail chewing, even panic attacks are something I can manage. They aren't as scary to me as they once were, although still unpleasant. But depression? UGH. I will NEVER learn to "live with it" I have been clinically depressed since I was 16. And although the medication helps, it never gets better. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed, some days I feel like Im not sure if life is even worth living (I am not suicidal I promise) some days I feel like if something doesnt change Ill never be okay again...and then I never have the energy to change anything. Manic episodes are scary too. I can go up to 4 days with no sleep. I talk real fast, dont feel the need to eat, and normally end up doing something stupid. While the mood stabilizers stop these manic attacks from happening frequently, they still sneak in every once in a while. Its almost like I am no in control of my brain.

I am not sure what I expect to get out of writing all this down...although I guess it does feel pretty good to have said it...Perhaps ill give it another go tomorrow.